As I was moving out of my home with 17, the search was for freedom and understanding – away from the old structures, home town, parents. I didnt know about awareness and meditation – all I knew was my life should be about science, discovery, adventure, hopefully giving me fulfilment in life.
Being in a new city, university life gave me freedom, some understanding, but at the same time deep inside I felt lost. I didnt know what matters in life, how I should live my life.
Then I found a book that was to have some deeper impact: a book by Lama Anagarika Govinda: Foundations of Tibetan Mysticism. I didnt understand what meditation was, and the tibetan rituals and traditions were a mystery for me, but yet something in this book touched me: it was a completely new world, a world of freedom, new horizons. A door had opened, just I couldnt yet fully grasp into what it had opened to. The author himself – Anagarika Govinda – was not just an intellectual, he also lived what he wrote about and was the first westerner to be appointed as a tibetan lama.
Then, a few months later, another door opened unexpectedly: It was evening, I had come home from university, was about to go to bed in my room, when I felt a wave of energy entering me. I had no idea what it was, no reference point, but that energy pushed me, didnt allow me to go to bed – the energy was urging me to move. So I got up, left my room, went out into the night, not knowing where I was going. I simply had to move. Somehow this energy was leading me into a nearby vast forest. I felt being called, but had no idea by what. As I entered the dark forest, there was no fear, but a gentle feeling of being carried.
I kept on walking and walking for hours, the body didnt feel tired at all, rather it felt being lifted up by the trees and nature all around. It felt as if my feet didnt touch the ground, as if I was weightless. My mind was pretty sure that I had completely lost my way, that I wouldnt find the way back, but still this wave of energy was carrying me forwards. At the same time there was a feeling of deep fulfiment on the inside, of being connected with something vast and immensely alive. The vibration of this aliveness touched me, comforted me – I could even feel this subtle vibration pulsing through my whole body, like a soft humming. I was completely immersed in this experiencing. Something new and very alive had entered me, invited me, and I felt totally accepted and at home. When I returned home many hours later – nearly at sunrise – I felt completely refreshed, newborn. Something had changed, but I didn´t know what. There simply were no words.
The following days, as this experience settled inside, I was waiting for this energy wave to come again. It didnt happen, and I couldn´t make it happen. It was not in my power, it remained mysterious. As I was letting go, accepting that it would probably not happen any more, it came again. And after a few weeks again. For many years to follow this energy wave turned out to be my companion. I never knew what triggered it, but whenever this call came, it was irresistible: I simply had to move with this energy, going wherever it carried me, regardless of the consequences.
After studying for 6 months, I was being drafted for my compulsory army service. It turned out to be 18 wasted months of my life. However, deep inside I knew now that I had a path to follow, and nothing would divert me from it.