As I was in my university studies, my life was busy with laboratory experiments, meeting friends and exploring the freedom of a new lifestyle.
I was not consciously searching anything in my life, on the contrary quite content with the scientific explorations and daily experiments in my lab.
My whole focus was directed towards the outside world. It was in this context that I was seeing a movie called “Bhagwan” from an australian filmmaker. It must have been around 1977 when it came to the small movie theater in my city.As I went to see the movie, a strange world opened up: Seeing dynamic meditation, people dancing, hugging, the life in the commune – it was out of this world. After the movie I went out feeling a bit confused, dazed, not understanding what it was all about. I guess I didnt even hear what OSHO said in this movie. My mind blocked it out, telling me it was some bizarre religion in India.
Obviously, I had no awareness about myself. Something needed to happen, and life brought it:
It was called “falling in love”. Or maybe the better phrasing would be “failing in love”.
The girl I felt attracted to clearly seemed to like me too, and as we were seeing each other daily at the university, soon the connection went deeper. It felt like real love to me, and I was sure it was the same on the other side. How could I be so sure? Well, I was feeling it, wasnt I? And I trusted my feelings.
And then, one day, out of the blue, as I asked her if she loved me too, she said “No”. I couldnt believe it – this couldnt be true. My mind stopped – an intense conflict happened on the inside. From my heart I was feeling, this was not possible, how could I have been so wrong, but yet she had said no. This went on for a while: On the inside this inner certainty that there was love, and on the outside the clear No. Head and heart in direct conflict – the heart said its not possible, the head said: but she said No.
And in the very moment she said No, something strange started happening: my mind started sliding away. First it felt as if I was hearing a short sound, like a “click”, and the next moment it felt as if I was sliding down a sloping ramp, into a bottomless dark abyss. The mind was loosing its structure, nothing was certain any more, just the feeling of slipping downhill. If I couldnt trust my feelings there was nothing to hold on to any more. It was so strong that I felt it physically too. Something was watching it on the inside, and an inner voice said: This is it. You are going mad. You are loosing it.
I was sure that this was what madness felt like, and I sort of expected this inside feeling of falling to manifest on the outside too: I was waiting for my body also to break down, feeling helpless to do anything about what was happening. But neither did my body break down, nor did anyone on the outside even seem to notice my strange inner space. I seemed to function normally: I was speaking, eating, sleeping, and yet all the time this inner sliding down continued, never stopping for a single moment. I briefly considered If I should seek medical help, but then decided against it. The reason was: I didnt trust the doctors and the way they treated their patients. At that time, I was having a night shift job in the mental hospital of the city, thinking that: “well, I really should be inside there too”. But because I knew the doctors there and the way they treated or rather mistreated their clients, it was no option for me. And they probably wouldnt know what was wrong with me either.
I needed to find out what was wrong with me on my own. For the next 6 months I started reading all kinds of medical, psychological and psychotherapeutical books, hoping that somewhere something should be written about the condition I was in. I needed to understand, but the more I read, the more it became clear to me that my experience was not covered in any of the books. All the time, the gliding continued, and I continued reading, searching…
And then, one day, in the university bookshop, it happened: I was taking a book from the shelf, it was about a famous psychotherapist, and then another book fell down.
It was a little paperback with the title”What is Meditation”, from some Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh. I opened it briefly to just check what it was about, and the very first page I opened read like this: “A disciple of Rinzai met a party of three men on a bridge. One of the three asked him: How deep is the river of meditation? “Find out for yourself” he said and offered to throw the questioner from the bridge. But unfortunately the man ran away from him in time and escaped. If you meet such a man who can throw you in the river, be fortunate enough to be thrown. And you have met such a man. Now be thrown”.(Osho)
Something woke up. I immediately recognized: This guy is speaking out of his own experience, out of his authority. For the first time, after 6 months reading hundreds of books and theories, I had come across someone with his own experience, someone who knew. I read more pages, completely fascinated, not able to stop. A door had opened, the first ray of light entered the darkness, and I was filled up with a vibration of wonder and joy.
This man knew the answers to my questions. I felt it with absolute certainty, and he would be able to help me too. Without knowing it at that time, my lifelong journey with Osho had begun.